Sad and Scary Times

My blog got sideswiped and may not continue much longer. Curtis and I are at a crossroads. We’ve realized we are on different sides of the ‘more kids’ discussion and I’ve realized he doesn’t trust me. Some of his concerns are warranted… I probably will want to have a say of how much involvement his parents have with a baby. True story. We have very different views on family and very different family dynamics and I like my space. Some of it is residual damage from his ex. He is afraid that I’ll do what she did. I’m not her. And it hurts so much that he can look at me and say that he’s a man who doesn’t want to have a child with me. And it hurts even more that it’s based on a ‘what if’ scenario that might not even happen. The breakup might not happen, and there’s no evidence that he will have the same problems if we do breakup. It’s a double ‘what if’. What if we breakup and what if I’m a total b-iatch about it? All evidence points to me not being like that at all.

So, I’m struggling right now. What does this all mean for me? What does it mean for my relationship with these kids? In my desperation to be a parent, what about these kids – my step kids? I love these kids and I will lose them, too. And that’s one of my greatest fears, losing them down the road. But I already know that my relationship with them, as wonderful as it can be, does not replace my need to be a parent. I am being torn apart inside right now. It looks like, once again, I simply can’t have it all. I have to choose.

I thought it was over, I thought we were done. Curtis has decided to seek counselling to help him work on his trust issues. So now I wait… again… for how long, I don’t know. I can already feel myself pulling away from the kids and from him. Things before this conversation were pretty wonderful – and may never be the same again – but I think about being a mother every, single day. On the other hand… what will I tell my family? Will everyone hate me again? Will I let them down? My friends have all been completely understanding, which is nice. And they all seem supportive of letting Curtis try therapy.

So… I don’t know… My head is spinning as I try to process all of this. The kids come home tonight so for a few days we’re going to act like there’s nothing wrong, but I don’t know if we’ll ever be what we were. And, at the same time, that’s probably a good thing because if we can get through this we will be better. I have to hope that the counselling will help him deal with his ex issues and really have a future with me. It’s equally possible that he’ll discover he doesn’t want kids for real. Or that I’m not right for him. It’s sad and scary times right now. Sad and scary times. Very appropriate for Hallowe’en.

 

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