This Christmas has been, so far, one of the 3 worst Christmases I have ever had, behind the one after my dad died and the one where my family forgot about me and didn’t have a place for me to stay. We are constantly fighting, to the point where I have no idea if we will even survive the holidays. The kid thing might not even matter, we might be too different. Right now I don’t even know if I want to have a kid with him. We’re not at all a team and he cannot seem to properly process his emotions. It’s a really terrible feeling. And it’s not like it’s him and his family vs me and my family, it’s me vs him on the subject of family. And I have tried to compromise, and so has he. But we’re still worlds apart. Frankly, me and my Atavan have been better than expected with his family. We made coloured rice crispie shapes. I’m off to my family and relieved to be out of the house.
At the end of the day, I know that most of it has to do with his feelings with Kim and not me. Nolan just called him because he’s home alone and his ankle hurts and he doesn’t know where his mom is. That gets to him. And I know that my feelings and stress over the holidays contributes to this. But we do not help each other at all. The kids haven’t even come yet and we’re already a disaster. I used to wonder if he would ask me to marry him at Christmas. A bunch of people I know got engaged, including a friend of his, and I don’t think we’re anywhere near that. I don’t even know if I would say yes right now. Two weeks ago I was all in and now I’m taking anxiety pills to get through the day. Why I am I dealing with his vicious, selfish, awful ex-wife, why am I going through all this with his family, why am I giving my all to these kids, when we can’t even be a team at Christmas?