It was a tough holiday… the in-laws visit was nice. It wasn’t bad at all. There were a few moments where I got stressed and I was unacceptably rude, but they forgave me because I’m family. Yep, I’m the jerk. I was even a little sad they ran out in the morning, which, of course, was a result of my behaviour. (See above). I don’t feel like Curtis and I have really recovered from the holiday. It weighs on me. I never did speak to him before New Years to tell him my feelings on this year so that’s weighing on me, too. All-in-all, I wish I felt the same kind of hope and promise for the new year that I usually feel. Instead, I see a year filled with more battles with Kim, more battles about Kim, more battles as a result of Curtis taking his anger at Kim out on me. A good friend reminded me today that it’s not a competition with her. We just need to be the best versions of who we are. Do the best for the kids.
My mom was in fine form asking how someone as nice as Derek could end up with Karina. I was so mad and so embarrassed by that. I must have apologized to him 10 times. I did warn Curtis she was like that… but to say that about his sister in his house… sometimes I wonder how she can be so obtuse and so tone deaf. Really, mom? They’re a great couple. She’s just… my mom. And I really need to take a cue from him and be more forgiving of family.
I hope the kids had a good holiday. It was so hard to lose half the time we had with them. I really hope that had a good time. The last of the gifts we were waiting for finally arrived so I think Nolan will be excited when he comes home tomorrow.
Our family Christmas
I should go to my show tomorrow night, but I’m also supposed to watch them while Curtis is at fire practice. I could ask his mom, but I think I want that time. The show doesn’t really need me. I think it might also be healthy for me to let some of that control go. That kind of control-freakness is what gets me into trouble. As witnessed over the holidays. I need to be able to let go. I also have the option to go out Saturday night when we have the kids and I’m torn. That family time is important to me. But so is Emily. I never see her and, while she never comes out here, either, I want to spend that time with her. Although, an ex-boyfriend who I am still really mad at might be going (note: owes me $400 and still has my In the Heights CDs and my muppet). So I need to think about that one. Curtis is at a fire so I have a little time. It’s funny how we compartmentalize things. I wonder if that’s what makes me able to be a step-mom, that each life has a separate box.
It worries me when he goes to a fire, though, what if I lose him, I lose my family as well. Will I ever get to see them again? I know that’s morbid and when I think about it it makes me cry so I know I need to give this a chance. I spend way too long thinking about it. I spend too much time thinking about it all. There are a lot of things I should be doing right now and instead I’m writing. My head is still spinning. Has been for weeks now. I think this will be another year of that. Hopefully by the end, I’ll be back on solid ground.