Our anniversary came and went with no fanfare. We didn’t even acknowledge it until tonight during an argument where I pointed it out (not in angry way, just in a ‘I thought that’s what that good thing was about’ way). At one time I had visions of us reliving our first date every year to celebrate. But we said nothing. And I’m mostly disappointed by how ok with that I am. I don’t know if it’s because of the uncertainty of it all, or because it was just so damn busy. I think it’s the former. It’s hard to celebrate living in limbo for so long.
I spent our anniversary taking Taitum to his hockey tournament and watching him get his first goal. And then rushing to watch Reegan win his tournament. And feeling like a parent. And totally not when I couldn’t fill out the waiver for the kids for Skyzone or when I don’t know anyone because I’ve only been around for 2 years. The former turned out to be moot because we did not plan ahead. And we yipped and sniped at each other because that seems to me what we do right now. I see all these pics come up on my frame at work and I never feel as happy as I look there. We fought about his creepo uncle, and about how to handle Reegan’s birthday, as we dropped the kids off after midnight, and about who was going grocery shopping. While I had a great day with the kids. It was not a happy anniversary, not for me.
The funny thing is, he had no idea I felt that way. He thought everything was ok. He thought it was simply a great weekend. And it was, for us as a family, but I thought he was angry/frustrated/disappointed with me all weekend. I felt like we were constantly arguing. And somehow that’s my fault for not understanding the frustration he was showing when talking to me was not about me. When I brought it up, then I got the real argument. After such a crazy, great weekend with the boys, it had a really crappy end.
I really do feel lucky that he is (mostly) so supportive of what I do. He was pulled in a million directions today and there wasn’t much I could do except help with groceries, which I did (without complaint, for once) And we yipped about what time was good for his sister to call and why I need him to focus on a grocery list. He wasn’t happy that I wouldn’t be home for Reegan’s cake, but he understood. I am exhausted. We woke up one kid with our (quiet) discussion. He said he was surprised and happy that I never felt overwhelmed by it all, and while that it’s not entirely true, it was mostly true. I just did what had to be done. So maybe I’ll take that as the win for the weekend.