I am struggling with step-motherhood today and I’m not sure why… nothing in particular was said or done, I had a good night with the kids… it’s just a feeling of helplessness in my situation. The one where Curtis is a man who does not want to have a child with me. I will have to choose whether to be ok with being a step-mother to those boys I love, or being a mother on my own, something I want so desperately. At what point do I have a responsibility to those boys to put them first? At what point am I a parent who makes decisions with their best interests in mind? Is it in their best interest to give up my dream of motherhood for the sake of our family? I don’t feel responsible to Curtis, he knew where I stood going in and it’s his mind that has changed. Ugh. I really need Curtis to get back on board the kid train. I know what I have to do. I just don’t know how long I should give him to realize how this family is worth saving. Or for me to realize that.
I find that I just have walls up against everyone right now as I retreat into myself. I see familiar behaviour that should act as a warning sign that I’m going to do something dumb as a result of the frustration I’m feeling. Not sure what yet, but I’m on the lookout for destructive behaviours. (More in the picking fights realm than, say, getting into serious trouble). I found this on Facebook… I’m looking at it for inspiration today. Today is one of the hard days. I don’t feel like a fearless warrior, but I want to.