Put On Your Big Girl Panties

Our life is never dull. Never. I booked a chiropractor appointment thinking that Reegan didn’t have ball tonight. But he did. And I had exactly enough time to get there if my chiropractor was on time. So I went early to pay before. And she was late, and mildly annoyed that I had to run, and says I need a massage because my shoulders are crazy tense. Worse than usual. Sigh… who has the time…

So I get home and I had asked Curtis to leave the car seat and all Reegan’s ball stuff in the garage. I saw his ball bag and shoes (separately). No uniform, no car seat. Turns out he didn’t leave the car seat and I had to borrow one from a neighbour. Uniform was in the house. He feels really bad. I’m over it now, but I was pretty stressed. I can feel it in my newly-adjusted shoulders. 

On the plus side, it took my mind off the fact that I was picking up one of the kids at Kim’s for the first time. She had once said that I wasn’t allowed to pick the kids up but since then her husband has been picking up Nolan so.. well, time to put my big girl panties on. She terrifies me. I’m afraid of her volatility when I’m there, and the aftermath when I’m not. The whole thing made me really anxious, but I mostly forgot. So… take the win. 

When I got to her house, she was outside with the boys and hightailed it out of there when I got there. I guess we’re still pretending I don’t exist. Well, it’s better than her volatility. Taitum came right over and gave me a hug. That seriously made my day. He even showed me his snails. Reegan was happy enough to go to practice, although he wanted to sit in the front seat and didn’t like Tao’s seat. (Side note: I suspect they let him sit in the front, even though he’s too young (and too small). I’m not sure if I’ll tell Curtis. There’s nothing we can actually do about it and it’ll stress him out.)

So we’re at ball. And I think he’s disappointed that it’s a practice and not a game and didn’t want to wear any of his ball stuff. And that’s ok. We’re here. Without drama (that I know of… she still might take it out on Curtis). Right now, we’re not those parents who have say that they’ll only be there half the time. So if he wants to be the only kid not in uniform because it’s only a practice, that’s ok. We’re winning.


Can you spot him? 

Dealing with parental envy

I always thought it would be the boys mom that I would be jealous of. They adore her and I know I will just never be their mom. And I’m ok with that. I think I have a pretty healthy view of what my role in their life is.

Today, it’s Curtis I’m jealous of. I would never begrudge him a close relationship with his kids. I love how much his kids adore him. And he deserves it because he is a great father. I wish he could see how much they love him. 

While I think the kids all like me well enough (most of the time, anyway), I’ve really only developed a palpable bond with one of them. Reegan (7) wants me to read to him. So every night I read to him. It started because Curtis always fell asleep while reading to him but it became our little thing. Until tonight. Curtis has been asking Reegan for a little while to read to him and Reegan finally agreed. So out I go. Taitum only wants Daddy and Nolan gets both of us. I feel like he crushed the one parenting win I had. I have spent two and a half years trying to build that bond. That was our thing, and now it’s not. Not that the bond is gone, it still exists, of course. But he won, he gets to have that, too. I’m hurt and I’m sad and I’m full of envy. It’s one of those moments where it’s very apparent that I’m not a real parent.

Stepmom Wins

I am getting more involved with the kids stuff. I am (with Curtis’ help) the person who does the write-ups for Reegan’s ballgames. And so far, they’re being very well-received and we’re having fun writing them. (Here’s the link if anyone is interested in learning about how Reegan’s team played: https://mitchellminorbaseball.com/Teams/1143/). So my friend Meghan (Coach’s wife) and I were without our other halves yesterday and we drove up with the kids together to the game. At one point, the kids on the team wanted to practice hitting so I grabbed the pole for them to practice. Reegan took a while to notice and when he wanted another turn, the reason he gave that he got to go ahead of Sean was ‘that’s my mom’. Now, that’s a complicated thing… I’m actually not trying to be his mom, I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to replace Kim. And if he calls me his mom, that must mean he calls his step-dad his dad (and that will break Curtis’ heart). That being said, my heart melted a little and I let him take an extra swing before letting Sean have his rightful turn. Because… well…

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Here’s Reegan looking very much like his dad in this picture. I always thought he looked the most like his mom, but he’s so much like his dad, it’s a little uncanny at times.

So… remember the thing about Kim taking my mother’s day present… well, on the above-mentioned topic… We got an email today asking for frames for Reegan’s class’s Father’s Day Gifts. And the teacher specifically said that if any kid has two Father’s to send two frames to school. So let’s unpack that… That means she complained. I’m not sure about what, exactly, given that she got the gift with no fight from us… but those words are almost identical to the words that Reegan used. But that also means that no one seems to be questioning the validity of me getting a Mother’s Day gift. What the what? Is Kim not questioning it because she wants a Father’s Day gift for Mike? And Reegan and the teacher… So is she recognizing that he gave it to me? All of this feels a little much for me to process… but somewhere in there is a great, big, stepmom win.