My son just started pre-school, which is bittersweet for me. He’s been on the list for that centre since I was 3 months pregnant. I’m excited he is finally in. Part time, but still… we made it.
On the other hand, I LOVE our babysitter and she’s off work now until next September (it’s November). I would stay with her in a heartbeat if it wouldn’t mean giving up my spot, starting over, and being screwed come September.
That’s not what this post is about. This post is about being a second wife in a small town.
When I took Austin in for his meet and greet, it was with the teacher who worked, in this very preschool, with all 3 of my step kids. One of the first things she said to me was “man, does he ever look like his brothers”. Yep, that’s right. My husband only makes boys who look like him 🙄.
This woman has a long history with Curtis and the boys. I’m sure she has lots of opinions about him and his ex and their breakup and their co-parenting… and I am stepping into the middle of all of that. That is something that makes me uncomfortable.
Love her or hate her, I’m not like his ex. If I’m honest, I don’t have much to do with her and I don’t spend much time thinking about her. And yet, I still feel the weight of all of their previous choices, good or bad. What will my son’s behaviour say about us, or about Curtis? What will it mean about our parenting? Will she see past all the history and just see me?
It feels like a lot. It caught me off guard. I didn’t realize I felt this way. Do I feel intimidated? Inadequate? Or will they think I’m like her? The lovely woman who runs the daycare has only treated me with kindness so I probably have nothing to worry about. Yet, I worry.
The other thing that struck me at this visit was how hard it is to undo damage to our kids.
I went to Germany for 8 days for work. I FaceTimed with Austin almost every day. He seemed fine without me. Then, I came back. He still seemed fine. Until I was back about a day. Then he got clingy and didn’t want me to go. He was shy and reluctant at the babysitter.
Then, my very sweet mother-in-law came to visit. She had been the one who looked after him a lot of the time when I was gone because my husband has 3 other kids and lots on the go.
When he saw her, you would have thought the world ended with how he LOST. HIS. MIND. He was so scared that mom and dad were going to leave him. And this wasn’t even “damage”, because my MIL is a wonderful woman who adores her grandkids and spoils them rotten.
So how does this relate to daycare? Well… when we went there, he wouldn’t let me put him down. And he’s 2 and a half so he’s heavy enough. Once he started school, he LOVED it, but every day he thought I was leaving him and going away. He still stands by the fence every day waiting for me to pick him up at the end of the day, quiet and sad. Like maybe I won’t come.
And then there is other damage… I’m finally feeling better, I feel more like myself. I’m stressed because I’m in tech week for a show and I’m tired as heck, but I feel more like myself.
And then my husband and I got in this big old fight because he feels like I’m not doing enough. I do so much for this family and I am TRYING MY BEST to handle it all and I felt like I was doing so well and somehow it’s still not good enough. And I spent the night crying and feeling terrible.
In looking at this a few days later, I realize that it was both our damage affecting that. I mean, I get it. I feel like that ALL THE TIME. With all the things I do for his kids. I feel like I have to do it all or it won’t get done (you should see my kitchen since I’m too busy to clean it right now… UGH). On the other hand, it’s like he forgets that sometimes it’s me having to do it all.
Stepfamilies are damaged. They are Beautiful messes at times, broken and put back together in different ways. A mosaic. Even in the best circumstances, there is baggage. History.
I feel like I need to find a way to limit the damage. To contain it. To not have it creep out in such ugly ways. I‘m looking for baggage that goes with mine. #iykyk
It’s been a tough couple of weeks in our house, so I wanted to end this with a personal win.
For years, we’ve been the ones paying for hockey and taking them to hockey. I’ve been very careful not to present myself as their “mom”. I don’t want to seem like I’m overstepping because I respect the fact that I am actually their stepmom.
I saw some of the other moms in their Mitchell sweaters, and I thought to myself, we have a sweater that we bought the oldest that the other two don’t want, I’ll bet it would fit me. In a last minute decision, I wore it. Screw it. I’m still not trying to present myself as their mom, but I am one of the hockey parents. I’m allowed to show it.
I’m also not sure how brave I would have been if she had been there. (Real talk… she came to a game the next day and I was intensely relieved I wasn’t wearing it). Well, take the wins where you get them.
Step-Parenting 101 