5 Things You Should Never Say in a Fight

1. They’re not my kids

2. You hurt this family

3. If you say that again, this is over

4. This is the worst thing you could do to our marriage

5. I am taking over how we do this and you’ll have to deal with it

I said all of those things tonight. All of them. I’m sure I could make that list twice as long and still have said all of them. Yes, I’m totally cringing at myself. I feel like an a-hole.

We were fighting about money. I make more than he does. Quite a bit more. And I have fewer expenses. No kids and no ex-wife will do that. And yet I rarely spend anything on myself. All of my money goes to our family.

He made a snide comment about the fact that I kept my small tax return to go to New York with a friend for our 40th birthdays. And his went to bills – specifically to pay his ex-wife.

Well, I lost it. I recently found out that my husband spent all of our wedding money without me knowing. Every last penny. He says he spent it on bills. Without ever telling me how bad our situation was or that he needed to. And he feels totally justified in doing so. Without talking to me. So we have no savings. No safety net. No money to take the kids away. Nada. And I had no say in that. In our wedding money. That mostly came from my family.

I feel totally betrayed because I thought we were in this together. I didn’t even know that we needed the tax return money for bills, let alone that he resented me keeping it for myself.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think he has the right to expect that money from me. I think I do an awful lot for my family. Without asking for anything in return. This is the life I choose. I also think I deserve to go away for that big, ugly birthday. Especially if doesn’t let me in on our dirty little secret.

That doesn’t excuse my being a jerk about it, I know.

I don’t know what hurts more, the actual secret, the lack of trust, or the fact that we didn’t make those decisions as a team while we still had a chance to try and make it right.

I think I get why he did it. I think it was a bit of pride – he’s the man and he wanted to figure it out. He also knows his expenses are what hurt us so he wanted to fix it. And, of course, he knew I’d be pissed and didn’t want to have that fight. It snowballed, one thing led to another, and I feel like the worst person ever. And still angry. If that makes any sense at all.

The worst part is… I totally called that he would do this, but decided to trust him, anyway.

This led me to think about blended-family finances. How do we manage it? I tend to be pretty good with money if I try. A trait I got from my mom. So I thought I would just take it all over – all OUR money. His, mine, ours. I’d be in charge. Do it the way that has always worked for me. Will that work for us?

He suggested separate accounts but I don’t want to keep asking him for his half. I’m having trouble trusting him to be in charge of his money right now, especially since I was right the last time. I’ll resent him if he doesn’t have it and I have to cover his support payment. But I won’t resent paying if it’s in one big “ours” pot. Then it’s just bills.

There’s not one right answer about what works for a blended family. I don’t know yet what works for ours. Clearly not how it is. So how do we start again, after 4 years of sharing finances and 11 months of marriage? We sold our house so that should help (although not as much as I expected). How did we get here? I have so many questions about how things got so bad.

I believe our marriage can weather this, but that could be the atavan talking. I do understand in this moment why second marriages fail. I think a lot of couples don’t make it through these kinds of fights. Thank heavens we’re two of the most stubborn people you will ever meet. Whoever thought THAT would be what I am thankful for.

As I sign off, he just came up and asked me what setting to do my laundry on. So now I think I feel worse than I did. And thankful. My husband is truly a wonderful man. And yet, I’m still angry.

I’ll finish this how I signed off with him.

Thank you for doing that.

I’m sorry.

My anger did not justify being an a**hole to you. I hope we can work on fixing this together when you’re ready.

Keep working on things, friends. This life we choose is a hard one some days. I just screwed things up pretty good. And so did he, frankly. I’m going to try to fix things -we’re going to try and fix that together.

Keep trying. It’s worth it.

Katrina

That Time I Went to Lacrosse With My Husband’s Ex and My Husband Didn’t Show

Let me set the scene. My husband took his youngest boy to his lacrosse practice and took his middle son with him. His oldest was at home waiting for his mom to pick him up for his lacrosse game. He was considering going to that game after practice. I had booked a hair appointment well before lacrosse schedules came out so I had planned for a night alone to catch up on some work.

After my appointment, I was chatting with the neighbour when BM and her husband came to pick up Nolan, or so I thought. I ran to the door to call Nolan and then I heard his voice. He was calling me from the truck. They had seen me drive by and had doubled-back to get me. BM had even emailed me first to see if I wanted to come.

To add just a little more context, when she picked up Nolan, the sold sign had just gone up on our house.

I knew that was probably what it was about. But my goal for the year is to make it less weird. Make things better for the kids. So I said yes. I put my stuff inside and I got in the back of their truck. In the middle. I have only been in their house once,

We chatted the whole way up, mostly about real estate. It was… nice. I told Curtis and he said, “ummmmm…. ok”. We got to lacrosse and it was totally fine. I felt a bit awkward, but it was ok. And then I got a text that said that they had dinner and he was going to take the younger two home for baths and bed. Wait, what?

So there you go. In for a penny, in for a pound.

We laughed about it. I honestly have no idea what she was thinking. I don’t think it’s what either of us expected.

The night was mostly uneventful. Chatting mostly about the game. I felt very conscious of my every word and movement. All those little nervous things you do, like shaking a leg or playing with hair. I felt like a cartoon where you stop one thing and another things starts moving, then you stop that and the first thing starts again… you get the idea.

There was a moment where one of the kids on the team asked whose mom I was. My stomach dropped like on a roller coaster. And I answered, “I’m Nolan’s step-mom”. And BM made a joke of the whole thing and the fact that Curtis didn’t come. And we laughed. And it was fine. I was grateful to her.

It took me a while to process all of it. There were a couple of things I noticed. First, I actually was able to have a pretty good time. I don’t know what her motives were, but that’s my goal right there. Get along for the kids. It makes us all look like better parents. Nolan was quiet on the way up, but more of his normal self on the way home.

When we were talking about Real Estate, she also mentioned eventually building a house on her husband’s family farm. I know that’s Curtis’ fear, that she’ll try to move the kids away. Let’s just hope it’s not too soon.

The thing that stuck with me the most was the bank card she gave to Nolan at Tim’s. It was from our bank. Where she doesn’t bank, but where we transfer our child support. With the extra support we pay to cover the mat leave she took to have a baby with her new husband. That she insisted was in their college fund. That stung. And I don’t know if she did it on purpose. I do know it put things in perspective. Even though it was nice, things still are what they are.

Listen, I’ll take the wins. I know that she’s still the same person who is trying to deny us a vacation this summer. I know that we sold our house because the additional support made it hard to pay our bills. I also know that I was glad she invited me. And I had a good time. And I may be unfailingly naive, but I feel just a bit closer to the goal of us working together.

Take the wins where you can get them, friends.

Katrina

Things I’ve Learned as a Step-Parent #11 – Sometimes Patience Pays Off

We had a big win this weekend. If you have followed me for a while, you’ll know that sports have always been a stressful thing in our blended family.

At the start of the season, I had such high hopes. I even jumped the gun and wrote an “Extracurricular Activity Agreement” that I thought we all could live with. It was as if I jinxed it because it did not go that way at all. She said she wasn’t ready to share, she wasn’t going to jump in with two feet. But that wasn’t a no. So that’s a win in and of itself.

I started to think about that statement. And I understood why she said that. It’s been contentious for a long time and she didn’t feel like we tried to “work together” during hockey season, just on “her sports”. And that’s true. We didn’t really think she wanted that. But we didn’t really try. So I made a Hail Mary play. I suggested to Curtis that we had to do it first, we had to invite her to Reegan’s spring hockey. Show her we meant it to share on our sports as well.

It worked. She came. And it was fine. We all sat together and it was pleasant. For the second game, her husband came. We all chatted about how sick the kids had been, new trucks, and other light stuff. But it was fine. And then miracle of miracles, she asked Curtis to take one of the kids to lacrosse this week.

I’m not pulling out the agreement I wrote or “jumping in with both feet”, but I am cautiously optimistic. This is the closest we’ve come and the best first step I could ask for. It’s not even yet, we still can’t go to some things, but I think we’re on our way. Knock on wood.

Stay patient and keep trying, friends.

Things I’ve Learned as a Step-Parent #10. Ten Things I’m Grateful For

I was rushing out of work the other day to pick up my grocery order (yes, we’re so busy during hockey season, we’re THOSE people – seriously, it’s amazing) and trying to get home in time to take my SS12 to his hockey game while DH was at fire practice, when I had a realization. I could have kept working. And if we didn’t have the kids or if Nolan wasn’t able to go to hockey, I would have kept working. I realized that my step-kids keep me in check. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that they do a lot more for me than that. This isn’t all the things I appreciate about them, but these are a few of the things I’m grateful for:

1. They get me to “shut off”. I can be a bit of a workaholic. Especially when I have lots to do. I’m not a slacker and I can be very focused on getting things done. I would probably work myself into a beautiful nervous breakdown, except they get me to shut off. Shut off the phone, the computer, and most of all my brain. I stop working to get home to them, hang out with them, to support them in their activities. I really want to achieve work-life balance and they help me find that.

2. They taught me patience. I have had to learn how to be patient. As a single person, I was able to do what I wanted, when I wanted. Now I’m on a different schedule and with kids, it doesn’t always go as quickly as I wanted. Simple things can take twice as long. And I’ve learned that can be ok.

3. They taught me to roll with the punches. Growing up, my mom always told me that I wasn’t flexible enough. Kids don’t always do what you want them to do and you can get upset or you can run with it. I’m not perfect, but I’m getting better.

4. They taught me how to put others first. I’ve talked about this a lot. I have never truly put people before myself. I thought I had, but I never truly had to. I never really understood. Kids need you to survive, to teach them right from wrong, to be there for them. And that means putting them first, even before your partner sometimes. I never thought I would be ok with coming 2nd. Or as 1B. But now I get it.

5. They taught me to love being at home. I’ve always been an overachiever. That kid who was in all the things (except sports haha). When I got older, I worked two jobs on top of my hobbies and the unhappier I was at home, the more I did to keep myself out of the house. Now I want to be home. I have to travel on two of our weeks and it kills me to know that I’ll barely see the kids this month. I get it now. Home is good.

6. They taught me I can be a good parent. I used to doubt whether I should be a parent. My mom was overly strict and is very harsh. We have never been close. My dad and I were close, but he struggled with mental illness and was unstable at best. I worried I would become the worst of my parents. However, my mom was also stable and supportive and my dad was warm and kind. I like to think I actually absorbed more of the good than the bad.

7. They taught me how to trust myself. If I ever said my inner-monologue out loud, I think I would worry people how hard I am on myself, how much I second-guess myself. And to be honest, I don’t even know how to get better at that, but somehow, I am trusting myself More and second-guessing myself less. Learning to be myself and not who I think they want me to be. Standing up for myself, but staying kind, when they’re trying to walk over me. I’m more confident in this than I ever expected to be.

8. They taught me you can’t do it all. I try. I really try. To a fault sometimes. The homework, the baking, the hockey practice. And then work and hobbies. And my husband is amazing and helps with absolutely everything. He’s a great father. But we can’t do it all. Workahaolic, overachiever, and perfectionist. This was a hard one for me to swallow. Kids sometimes need time to be kids and not be go-go-go all the time. Sometimes I still try to do too much, but I’m getting better.

9. They appreciate me for who I am, and that helps me appreciate myself. I’m never going to be the fun one. I’m bad at most sports and video games and a lot of things that boys like to do. But I’m always good for a book or colouring or help with homework and my younger two stepsons come to me for those things. Even the older one sometimes. And that means the world to me.

Things I’ve Learned as a Step-Parent #9: Some Days Are Just Bad Days

As I sat in my car, stress-eating a Wonderbar that I impulse-bought at the checkout, I had a rude awakening. No matter how much progress you think you’ve made, in blended family life, there will always be bad days. Like truly horrible, gut-wrenching, sickening days. And when you’re with someone long enough to have 3 children together, they will always know how to hurt you.

 

Sports have always been a hot-button issue in our blended family. Until recently, sports were really “our thing” on “our time”. That relationship to sports has changed, mostly for the better. We were feeling really good about how hockey season went and were hoping that after the summer sports season, that might even be something we could all do together as one big blended family. You could call us optimists. Or perhaps just naïve.

 

We’ve taken several large steps back this summer season, instead of forward, and we find ourselves in an impossible situation. With the option of all of us working together off the table, how do we do what’s best for the kids? How do we know what that is? Do we step back for the summer in the interest of hockey in the winter? Do we keep summer sports separate, when that means no one thing gets total commitment? And what is the impact of that – what lessons does that teach? Or do we fight – do we incur short-term pain to achieve long-term gain?

 

How do you know what’s best for the kids? Logically, it’s for everyone to get along and all support them in whatever they do. What do you do when that’s not possible? How do you protect them from the fallout?

 

I’m calling this “Part One”, because I don’t have the lesson yet. I don’t know how this will resolve. What I’ve learned is so far is that sometimes people play dirty. Sometimes people will say things just to hurt you, make you question yourself as a parent, or put the kids in the middle. Sometimes it’s up to you and your partner (and not the other parties) to make the tough decision on how best to protect those little people from getting hurt themselves. Sartre believed, even when faced with a choice between taking a bullet or betraying your beliefs, you always have a choice. For Curtis, the thought of missing out on watching his kids do what they love literally makes him sick. Does he take the bullet (and literally make himself sick)? Or betray what he believes in (commitment and protecting the kids)? I think, ultimately, we will take the bullet. And, unfortunately, reinforce to BM that her lies and intimidation work. And hope the kids don’t learn by her example, but learn from what we’ve done to protect them. (Because the law of unintended consequences is a whole other ball of wax)

 

The other thing I’ve realized is that, try as you might, these truly tough situations take a toll on your relationship. No matter how aligned you are, no matter how you support each other, those truly bad days take a toll on your marriage. My husband hasn’t really eaten in 3 days. I haven’t really slept and neither has he. We sit in tense silence together pretending that we’re just binge-watching Netflix like a normal evening without the kids. I can’t fix the pain in his eyes. I can’t make this better. What I hope is that I can stop this from tearing us apart.

 

More lessons on this to come.

Step-Parenting at a Whole New Level

This past year, I feel like I reached a whole new level of step-parenting. Beyond the wedding and becoming “official”, I feel like my perspective has changed. It’s not that I haven’t always put the kids first, and it’s not that I haven’t had that tested (I still miss those cats so much it physically hurts). Maybe it’s just my perspective that changed.

 

Let me set the stage. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of November. I was so excited that it happened so quickly after the wedding and I was going to have a kid around my 40^th birthday. It really couldn’t have been better timing.

 

At the end of November, we had two tournaments and a Christmas party. We drove approx. 2000km between Curtis and myself. We all stayed at Nolan’s tournament in Sarnia on the Friday night and came home on the Saturday night to go to the Christmas party. After the party, I noticed some light spotting. I had a sick feeling in my stomach that I knew what was coming.

 

After the 200km drive back to Sarnia in the morning, I found out I was right. I was miscarrying. I wish I could say that I was a stoic paragon of stability, but at least I snuck off to do my crying and it (mostly) went under the radar. Nolan didn’t realize what was going on, and that’s what matters. I did have a backup plan for getting him home if I needed to go to the hospital, but I didn’t end up needing it.

 

I was in incredible pain the whole way home, but we kept going. Not only that, but I refereed mini sticks (was NOT up to playing), and I helped with lunches and bedtime and the lot. The next day I went to the hospital, where the result was inconclusive, but I knew. I took the rest of the week off to have it sort itself out and I’ve been given the all-clear to try again. Take the wins where you get them.

 

I guess in that time, I learned a lot about myself and my ability to persevere for the sake of our family. My ability to really pull up my socks and do what was best for the kids. And to protect them. It really made me see my role in this differently. Some of you, if you have followed me for a while, may remember that I had one other miscarriage. The difference in everything, from the physical to the emotional, from one to the next was significant. But the biggest change, though, was with me.

 

I won’t lie, I’m still feeling a bit down about the whole thing and the gloomy weather is not really helping. Neither is the fact that my OBGYN says I’m running out of time. As I sit and wait for yet another test to make sure this is still even possible for us, the one comfort I’m going to take from all of this is the feeling that I am really evolving as a parent. I’ve levelled up. And as long as I can keep doing that, I feel like some good came out of this.

Stay positive, friends.

Katrina

Closing out 2018 with some wins

As I’ve said, I’m not a fan of the holidays. I won’t even get into the crummy holiday drama that was not even step-family related. I’m just going to put that in my rear view.

On the other hand, I love New Years. I love new beginnings and saying goodbye to all the bad things and leaving them in the previous year. In some ways, it’s hard for me to say goodbye to 2018. And I don’t remember the last time I could say that. It was a really great year – engaged and married all in 2018, great new job, and a couple of bucket list things crossed off. I wouldn’t wish any of it away.

Beyond those things, I just wanted to share some real wins with you all. Some of the little things that mean more than all of those big things.

For the first year, the kids and Curtis came to my family Christmas. That in and of itself created some challenges because they didn’t love the food (two of them ate only Caesar salad) and they were expected to behave and dress a certain way… but I was excited. Even Curtis has never made it to see my family’s traditions. Traditions that came from Poland and are an important part of who I am. I didn’t always appreciate them, but I’m excited to share them with my family. And they had fun.

My 2019 resolution is to work on things with Kim. I used to take it as a challenge to make the grumpy people smile and say hi. Smile until they smile back. I haven’t really tried with her and I think it’s time. Smile until she smiles back. We had our first conversation this holiday when I had to pick up Nolan while Curtis was on a call. And it was actually totally fine. Like what was I so worried about? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s changed or better, but it was a good start. And then I thanked her for letting the kids come to my Christmas. I didn’t get an answer. But I am going to smile until she smiles back.

Maybe the biggest thing was a change in Taitum. Nolan and I get along fairly well, better than we did before, although I wouldn’t call us close. Reegan and I are quite close, but Taitum and I hadn’t really bonded at all. He would always choose other people to go with or read with him. And now sometimes he chooses me. We have our things that we do together and it’s awesome. I feel like that is my biggest win of the year. It feels like where Reegan was 1.5-2 years ago. Where he really started wanting to do things with me. He’s getting a real concept of two families and two houses. When he listed the people in his family, he listed all five of us. I’m the one who suggested adding his mom, step-dad, and sister. And believe me, it’s not that he doesn’t love his mom and other family. He’s just started to see us, and me, differently. In a really good (and not disrespectful to his other family) way.

So here’s to patience paying off and to step-family bonding. All things in time. Cheers to you step-parents out there. Wishing you a safe, happy, and conflict-free New Year with your kids and bonus kids.

xo

 

Things I’ve Learned as a Stepmom #8: For Someone Who is Not a Mom, I Have a Lot if Mom Guilt

This weekend doesn’t feel like a win to me. This weekend I don’t feel like I’m doing my “mom best”. I’m struggling with a lot of guilt this weekend for the choices that I made.

Let me explain: This weekend we have a lot going on. Curtis is on call with the fire department, we have two out-of-town hockey games and hockey camp, and an in-town hockey tournament. And those are all wonderful things.

On Friday, SS11 played at the same time as SS8 and SS7 so we divided and conquered. SS8 scored 4 goals. Just a minor amount of guilt for missing that, since I had a good reason.

On Saturday, SS11 played his next game at 9:00 and I had my regularly-scheduled hair appointment at 8:30, which my hairdresser made special arrangements for. So I didn’t cancel it. It’s hard to reschedule this time of year. I missed the game. Huge mom guilt for that. Let’s face it, even though I sat on the floor colouring with SS7 with foils in my hair, I feel awful for choosing myself over his game. I was also so tired that I just couldn’t make it to the grocery store. We ordered our groceries online for pickup. And while that makes me feel modern and fancy, I should have just done it. I did make it to SS11’s second game.

On Sunday, I was supposed to take SS7 to goalie camp in the morning. When I said I was tired (but up and moving), my husband told me to go back to bed. We owe their mom time, anyway, and she wanted him to go to Sunday school. And we thought he’d be ok with that so he and I both got more sleep. Well, then he says he wants to go to goalie camp and I feel like the worst stepmom ever. To top that off, after SS11’s championship game, I left to go watch my all-time fav player get inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame, and I miss SS7 and SS8 play again. It’s literally a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity where I get to see a man I have celebrated since 1999 receive a huge honour, but I would almost rather be watching those kids.

I have read all the posts that tell stepmoms to take time for themselves and to not lose themselves. I almost never miss games so I know they feel bad about it. I feel like I will spend the entire week trying to make up for all of the mom guilt I’m feeling. Like I chose myself one too many times this weekend. Like I let them down. I’m trying to step back and think of all the things I did do. I still feel like I came up a bit short today. Even stepmoms have to deal with mom guilt.

Things I’ve Learned as a Stepparent #7: People Notice

I’ve mentioned before that my husband and I take the kids to hockey. And sometimes I worry about what people think. Do they think that I overstep? We don’t stop their mom from coming, it’s her choice, but I worry that’s what they think. I worry that they think I act too much like I’m their mom, when I’m not. Stepmom anxiety… who’s with me?

Yesterday at the arena, I was talking to two moms about the boys and one of them said to me “you really love those boys”. And I do. The other said that “you don’t see many “stepmoms” who get so involved”. They told me that the boys were lucky to have two great parents. I spoke up for their mom, thinking that’s what they meant, but they meant me and Curtis. And I gotta tell you, this is the same woman who listed Curtis as the sole parent on the contact sheet, so I know she knows the deal. I do love those kids. No matter what else is said, no matter what people don’t like me, I’m glad some people notice.

Musing for the difficult days

Today isn’t a day where I’m enjoying being a step-mom. After a really good weekend, today just got off on the wrong foot.

SS7 wet the bed and tried to hide it. 

SS8 wouldn’t get out of bed and was yelling at Grandma.

SS11 wouldn’t wear the expensive new pants we bought because they don’t fit (which he picked out and hasn’t touched since we left the store), refused to flush the toilet or wash his hands, refused to come up for breakfast, and when I turned off the wifi to get him moving, he yelled at me to turn it back on.

Honestly, I think all 4 of us are having off days. It definitely felt like a Monday in our house. My head hurts because of the crummy weather, and I confess, I read them all the riot act. Maybe it was my head, or maybe it was the half hour I was late for work because I had to help my poor mother-in-law with three grumpy children, but I raised my voice to them and said I would leave the wifi off if they didn’t smarten up.

I try not to “parent” the kids. I’m not their parent and their mom doesn’t take kindly to me disciplining the kids. I respect her need for boundaries so I try my best not to do it. I also think it’s a better choice for our family. Past altercations with my oldest stepson have ended in him telling his mom and my poor husband gets stuck in the middle. So, I usually keep my cool and tell them that their father will deal with them. I’m not sure why today was different, except to say that maybe I was too hard on them for having a bad day, since I was clearly in the same boat. 

Today, I cried all the way to work from the stress of it all. I’m happy the younger kids saw what happened and actually stuck up for me. I’m happy my mother-in-law saw it and said I didn’t overreact. And, still, they way I handled it doesn’t feel like step-mom win. I lost my cool. I let it happen. And now, my husband has hockey tonight and I am dreading the thought of him leaving me with all 3 kids with how I feel and how they acted this morning. I want them to be “his kids” tonight.

As I feel guilty for saying this, I believe many “real” moms go through days like this, and maybe I should see the silver lining that I can actually somewhat disengage from this situation and get their father to step in and be the heavy. Maybe the fact that I did lose my temper with them, when I am usually calm, will resonate with them and they’ll be better behaved with me as a result.

I tell you this, I could really use a step-mom win. Or maybe just a good night’s sleep before I get back up on the proverbial horse.

I know in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip. I also know that some step-parents have it way worse than I do. So, to all you step-parents out there who are struggling, I salute you for not giving up.

I am not giving up.